Stationery
by Ashura
Summary: Heero tries to write a love letter to Duo. Fluffy shounen-ai.


Stationery Unknown User Normal Unknown User 2 118 2001-11-11T20:26:00Z 2001-11-11T20:26:00Z 4 1653 9424 DellComputerCorporation 78 18 11573 9.2720 4.5 pt 2 2 

Stationery

by Ashura

disclaimer:  i don't feel like doing it right now, and it's not like any of the bigwigs from bandai read this stuff anyway.  And anybody who thinks I'm trying to say I own 'em is smoking something.

warnings:  shounen ai, sap.  Pretty harmless and innocent, really.  1+2, implied 3+4

archive:  desolation angels (http://www.dreamwater.net/ashura)

dedication stuff:  This is for Little Quatre on the YnH board, who a long time ago asked, "If Heero wrote a love letter, how would he do it?"  

****

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  [blank]

Dear Duo....

I already don't think that's right.

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  Personal

Dear Duo.  There's something I have to tell you, something I want you to know.  I'm not very good at saying things out loud...

No, that's not right either.

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  Personal

Duo.  I wish I could say this in person, but I'm a coward, so I

Oh, forget it. 

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  I want to tell you something

Wow.  I'm really doing this.  I hope the subject line got your attention.  Email is really impersonal, I know, but at least once I finish typing and hit 'send,' there won't be any going back.  Well that's not even true I guess—I could get into the server without a problem, really, and retrieve it before you ever got ahold of it to read.  

I guess I'm going to save the work, and just not send it after all.

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  You and me

Duo,

I've been sitting at my desk now for about five hours, trying to get this message worded just right.  You know me, I give myself a mission and stick to it long past the point of sanity.  I can't help thinking that if you were here you'd be harassing me about it, and wouldn't you laugh like crazy if you knew just what it was I was working so diligently on?  That it was a (very bad) attempt at a love letter to you?  But you're not here and don't know, and I

am not doing this very well.

To:  shinigami@l2.col.com

From:  hyzero@l1.col.com

Subject:  before you leave

Duo,

I know you're busy getting ready to leave for Earth, but there's something really important that I want to give you before you go.  I'll stop by in the morning to give it to you—please don't go before I get there.  I know, I'm being weird, don't worry, it'll make sense when you see it.

Heero

****

Dear Duo,

You did wait til you were on the shuttle already to read this, right?  I can never tell with you, if you're going to follow instructions or not, though I always did like your explanation for why you ate dessert first.  Especially with everything going on, it made a little too much sense.  It was kind of scary, really.  Eat dessert first, in case you don't make it all the way through dinner.

But if you're not on the shuttle yet, Duo, PUT IT BACK IN THE ENVELOPE, understand?  You're not supposed to read it yet!

I mean it, Duo.  I have spies everywhere.  Don't think I won't know if you cheat.

NO PEEKING!

Are you on the shuttle now?  Good.  I didn't want you to read it until now because I've got a lot of personal stuff I want to say, and if you're stuck on a long ride, once you're done reading it you won't be able to react right away, you'll have to think about it for a while first before you just open your mouth and let something come out that has the potential to—wait.  Scratch that last bit, I'm getting ahead of myself, and I'm really trying not to sound too pathetic here.

I was up last night staring at my computer screen for hours trying to type this in an email.  I never finished.  I finally decided it was something that needed to be written out on paper—yeah, I know, I can practically hear you laugh at me while I'm still writing it.  Me?  Old-fashioned paper? Stationery, no less?  But with some things that's the only way to write them.  It just works better that way.  And I'm going to get to the end of this if it kills me, which I'm starting to think it actually might.

Sorry about the coffee ring on the second page, by the way.  I did say I was up late.

First of all I'm glad you're going to Earth.  Not that I'm trying to get you further away or anything like that, though I haven't actually said anything like that in quite a while anyway, and I think you figured out a long time ago I didn't really mean it.  I'm excited for you.  Really.  I wish it were me, in a way.  I think you're right, and a long trip around the planet we ended up saving is exactly what will help you get your head back on straight.  When you first mentioned it I didn't think that, I didn't think it would do the same for me.  Now I'm not so sure.  Maybe it'd help me get my head right too.  But I'm going too fast again.  Sorry.  The problem with email is that you can erase things once you type them, it's too easy.  This way I can't, and I'm just writing whatever comes out.  It's easier than I thought it would be, I may not be making much sense but at least I'm not just sitting here staring at it.

The only problem with you going is that I'm really going to miss you.

YES, I really did say it, stop pretending like you're hyperventilating already.

Okay, you know how a paragraph ago I said I wasn't sitting staring at the page trying to figure out what to say?  Well I am now.  Bugger.  I'm trying to figure out how to segue cleverly into the scary personal stuff.  I'm really, I mean REALLY not good at this.  See why it took me six hours of typing and erasing email even to get this far?

I *_erased til there's a hole in the paper_*

Okay, well /that/ obviously isn't going to work...I guess I could chew the eraser off the pencil, then I wouldn't be able to do that anymore...or go over the whole thing in pen....

Okay, here goes.

I don't remember exactly when it happened.  I do remember when I figured it out, I just kind of woke up to it one morning, it was that party Quatre was throwing for Trowa's birthday even though nobody including Trowa knows when that actually is.  I hadn't seen any of you in what seemed like such a long time—I know we didn't actually see that much of each other when we were fighting, but it was different, I always knew you were out there, and that we were all fighting together no matter how much space was between us.  In peacetime, it was different.  (God, just ask Wufei how different...but I'm getting off the subject again.)  I woke up the morning I was set to leave for L-4, and the first thought in my brain was "I'm going to see Duo today!"  It wasn't about breakfast or whether I had any clean sweaters or any of the stupid mundane things I usually think about in the morning (yes, I really am that dull and ordinary, which I'm sure you get a laugh out of as well), it wasn't even about the party, exactly, it was about /you/.  And at first I didn't even think that was strange.

Then I woke up a little more, and thought it was strange that I didn't think it was strange before—um, ignore that sentence if you have to, okay?  I know it doesn't make any sense.  Isn't it a good thing I don't have to communicate for a living?  I'd be doomed.  The point is that somewhere along the line it had become completely and totally natural for me to want to be around you.  I showed up at the party before you did—I don't know how much of it you remember, since for all I know I'm the only one who memorises every stupid little detail like that.  But as soon as you got there I had butterflies in my stomach for the rest of the night.  I was a little tipsy, which didn't help, and Quatre and Trowa were all over each other, which helped even less, because I kept peeking at them while trying not to peek, and wishing I could behave the same way with you.

Um...well, there it is, it's out.  That was it.  I'm really pathetic over you.  (I don't know a better word for it, really I don't.  I could say infatuated, but it's not quite strong enough, and I could say I love you, but I'm afraid it would scare you away.)

Now you see why I didn't want you to read it til you were on the shuttle?  I know you didn't, because I know you that well, but I'm begging you to please humour me and pretend you waited, because even just writing that made me so nervous I feel like I might throw up.

God, that was /not/ the kind of thing one is supposed to put in a love letter, is it?  I hope if nothing else that you're getting a really good laugh over this.  You look really wonderful when you laugh, the way your eyes light up and you get dimples in your cheeks.  (Didn't think I noticed, did you?  Well I did.)

So that's it.  You know, I'm exhausted now, and I don't think it's just because it's 2.48 in the morning and I've been at this forever.  It's more like an emotional exhaustion.  But I have to make sure I get this to you before you leave.  Maybe I just won't go to bed tonight.  No, I'd regret that later.  Sorry.  I'll stop the pointless babbling.  (I bet I'm the last one you would ever have thought would ramble on like this...just don't ever put a pencil in my hand and make me confess something this important again, and I'll go back to sentences of less than four words.  It's less painful.)

You don't have to say anything back, not yet anyway.  Unless of course you already know what you want to say, in which case maybe it's better just to put me out of my misery before I spend too much more time thinking about this.  I really don't know if you could feel the same way about me—I think sometimes that I notice you behaving differently around me than anyone else, special maybe, but then I'm the one with the crush, so I could just be imagining things.  Seeing what I want to see.  I'm really dense when it comes to flirting, if you don't believe me ask Relena, she'll vouch for me.  I'm an idiot.  Really.  So I'm going to go out on a limb and say,

If you wanted to...

Or if you just wanted to think about it for a while...like I said you don't have to say anything right away....

But if somewhere later down the road you woke up one morning and realised you kind of liked having me around too, you could call, you know, from wherever.  Even down on Earth, because then I could come see you and we could finish the rest of the trip together.  If you wanted to, I mean.  And even if you don't, I hope you won't hold this against me, if it makes you feel weird I'll pretend I never wrote it at all and we'll just go back to being friends, or being brats to each other, or whatever you're comfortable with.

Okay, it's 3.11, and I really need to go to bed.  Take care.  Have fun on Earth, and I hope it works out just like you want it to.  I love you.

Wow, I said it, and it wasn't even really that hard.

Um, bye. 

Heero

P.S.  This message will self-destruct in five seconds.


End file.
